How Avoiding Negative Emotions Can Lead to People-Pleasing
People-pleasing shows up frequently in my work with clients. What people sometimes don’t realize is that anxiety can fuel people-pleasing behaviors. In this blog, I will talk about the relationship between people-pleasing and anxiety, the impacts it has on mental health and how to begin stopping people-pleasing.
People-Pleasing Anxiety: A Vicious Cycle
When we hear the phrase “people-pleasing” it sounds like it’s about pleasing others. However, at its core, people-pleasing is about trying to avoid negative emotions. Negative emotions, such as anxiety, can drive people-pleasing behavior for many individuals. This can look like masking feelings and opinions beneath acts of people-pleasing. While this may feel like the safer option, it actually results in an abandonment of one’s self and interpersonal relationships.
For example, let’s say it’s the end of your workday and you still have plenty of tasks and a long to-do list. Perhaps you have given yourself deadlines that are difficult to meet. Feelings of anger, frustration and anxiety begin to creep in, resulting in beating yourself up for not meeting your own expectations. Rather than going home, resting and showing up tomorrow more refreshed, you stay up late to continue working. The urge to stay up late working may come from a fear that your co-workers or boss will think less of you. This is the third night in a row that you have stayed up late. Your sleep is suffering and you begin to feel increasingly irritable.
Or, consider another scenario: You’re noticing that day after day, your partner leaves much of the domestic chores up to you. Coming home from work begins to feel dreadful because you know that the dishes are piling up in the sink and the laundry needs to be folded. You’re feeling justifiably frustrated, however, you go about by cleaning up anyway rather than asking your partner to do their fair share. Perhaps you’re afraid that saying something to them will result in an argument, and you’re just too tired to deal with an argument. So, you do it yourself and the resentment toward your partner grows.
In both of these scenarios, anxiety is the fuel for the people-pleasing behavior. It is the feelings of anxiety that are telling you that your boss or co-workers will be disappointed if you don’t put in that extra effort. Feelings of anxiety insist that a conversation with your partner will ruffle their feathers and start an argument.
Notice, too, that the result of people-pleasing behaviors in the above scenarios also leads to other issues. Staying up late working is resulting in symptoms of burnout. Your martyrdom with the house chores is causing resentment within your relationship.
While there is nothing wrong with doing what you can do to be helpful to others, the act of continually placing your own self-care and mental health at the bottom of your priority list can cause more problems.
Problems that stem from people-pleasing and anxiety cycle include:
Difficulties in relationships
Poor work-life balance
Depression
Low self-esteem
The irony is that engaging in people-pleasing is a result of trying to avoid negative emotions in the first place, but when one people-pleases and bypasses their needs, desires and emotions in the process, they are, unintentionally, creating more issues which will likely lead to more negative emotions.
Why Does People-pleasing and Anxiety go Hand in Hand?
Anxiety and people-pleasing are a duo. Why? This is because the more anxious you are, the more likely you are going to attempt to appease that anxiety by performing people-pleasing behaviors. As more people-pleasing is being done, the anxiety becomes stronger.
People-pleasing can feel like you’re walking on a tightrope trying to balance everything in your arms, but eventually, balance will be lost.
Anxiety can be sneaky and lead you to believe your thoughts. For example, if someone in your life seems upset, it can be easy to follow anxious thoughts and believe that they are upset because of something you did. Or, if a conflict arises, it might seem easier to remain quiet than stir the pot because then everyone will be upset with you. Or, if you’re not constantly going above and beyond, you won’t be seen as worthy or valuable.
People-pleasing behaviors are oftentimes a direct result of anxious thoughts and feelings. Many individuals are fearful of being judged, rejected or perceived in a negative manner so much so that they will bend over backwards to ensure they are seen in a positive light.
Ultimately, people-pleasing boils down to ignoring yourself and your needs and, as one can imagine, this is an unsustainable way to live.
How to Stop People-Pleasing
For many of my clients, the beliefs and behaviors associated with people-pleasing and anxiety were cultivated at a young age and are deeply rooted. Therefore, there is not a shut-off switch. With support, self-compassion and patience, people-pleasing can be addressed and ended.
Here are three steps you can take to stop people-pleasing:
Notice when you are people-pleasing. People-pleasing behavior can, at times, be difficult to detect. This is especially true it it has been your default setting for a long time. Begin to look for behavior that causes some sort of self-abandonment or dismissal of your needs. Self-abandonment might look like:
Putting your needs/desires behind someone else’s
Difficulty setting or maintaining a boundary
Saying yes to something you don’t really want to do
Stuffing your emotions
It is important to note that judgements may surface when beginning to notice these behaviors. If and/or when this occurs, try your best to objectively observe how they make you feel and take note of any patterns in your behaviors.
Practice setting boundaries with people you trust. Setting and maintaining boundaries is hard work for those who struggle with people-pleasing. It can be helpful to think of this as flexing your discomfort muscles. Since people-pleasing is about the desire to avoid discomfort, becoming a little more comfortable with discomfort is necessary.
Start small by thinking of someone who would be supportive of your boundaries. Try talking t them about why you would like to set boundaries and stop people-pleasing and then practice with them. Say no to going out when you’re feeling exhausted or try telling them that they hurt your feelings.
Boundary setting can feel very vulnerable and scary at first, but being honest with people about your needs typically serves to deepen your relationships. Eventually, with practice, it will get easier
Have compassion for yourself. This work is really tough! Beliefs and behaviors are not easy to change and there will be hiccups and difficult conversations along the way. Most of all, expect discomfort. You might find that your anxiety will increase for a bit when you actively step away from people-pleasing. This does not mean that you’re doing anything “wrong.” On the contrary, it is a normal response. Through the tough moments, practice self-compassion and kindness by recognizing that you’re taking important strides toward improved mental health.
Psychotherapy can Help if You’re Struggling with People-pleasing Anxiety
If you’re feeling like people-pleasing is running your life and you want to feel more confident, powerful and capable, engaging in psychotherapy can help. Psychotherapy can be a helpful space to work through your challenges and come up with goal-setting strategies to work on anxiety management skills, practice boundary setting and stop the cycle of people-pleasing and anxiety. If you’re ready, feel free to reach out to schedule a free phone consultation.
