Setting Boundaries in Relationships
Relationships can be incredibly wonderful, enriching, powerful, exciting but also challenging and complex. Have you ever found yourself wondering how to navigate some of the difficult aspects of your relationships? Perhaps struggling to say “no”?
Everyone struggles in their relationships from time to time. Some degree of conflict is inevitable in all relationships. Keeping clear boundaries is one way to begin reducing unnecessary conflict and to optimize positive relationship experiences.
So, what even are boundaries, anyway?
In their most basic form, boundaries are demarcations of where one thing begins and another ends. When applied to relationships, boundaries are the understanding that we are individuals with differing values, feelings, goals, identities, wants, needs, etc.
A common metaphor compares boundaries to a fence. Fences aren’t solid and permanent like walls are. One can see through cracks in a fence and they can be moved easier than walls can. Fences have gates that can be opened and closed and are often securing something within the fence walls. For example, if there are pigs within a fence, they may try to find ways out of the fence (i.e. testing the boundaries and structural integrity of the fence to find any weakness). This idea can be applied to boundaries within human relationships. Boundaries will likely be tested. It’s up to you to determine how and when to implement them.
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries can be too “loose” or “porous”. With porous boundaries, you may give in to other people’s demands easily out of guilt or fear, leaving you feeling exhausted. Sometimes boundaries are “rigid”, and you might find yourself pushing people away, leaving you feeling lonely and disconnected. Healthy boundaries are somewhere in-between loose and rigid, and allow for understanding, communicating, and implementing wants and needs.
Most people have a mix of boundaries. For example, someone could have porous boundaries with their family members, healthy boundaries within their romantic relationships and perhaps a mix of all three types of boundaries at work.
Signs of Porous Boundaries
Going against your personal values to make someone else happy
Oversharing personal information, especially early in a relationship
Feeling extremely affected by someone else’s mood
Feeling unable to identify your own thoughts, feelings, values and beliefs
Feeling overly responsibility for the well-being of others
Signs of Rigid Boundaries
Feeling detached from relationships
Unwilling to ask for help
Having few close relationships due to avoiding intimacy
Difficulty sharing personal information
It is important to note that there are certain circumstances in which it is okay to set a rigid boundary. An example of this would be if your safety is threatened.
Signs of Healthy Boundaries
Valuing your own opinions
Feeling able to share personal information in a way that is not over or under sharing
Having the ability to accept when other people say “no”
Understanding personal wants, needs, values, goals, feelings, etc and can communicate them
Assertive in a balanced, considerate way
Some examples of setting boundaries include:
-Saying “no” to a person who is asking you for something you feel uncomfortable with
- Being unwilling to engage in a conversation that is not helpful to you
- Limiting the amount of time, money and energy you spend with or on someone
- Physically removing yourself from a situation
Boundaries are Tough Work
Defining and implementing our boundaries can be difficult to do. It requires one to know their own values, thoughts, feelings, goals, wants, needs, etc. and to act. A bit of trial and error is to be expected when beginning to learn and implement boundaries.
If you think that you might need to tighten or loosen your boundaries, it can be helpful to begin exploring and defining your current boundaries. Here are some reflecting questions as a starting point:
How do I feel when my boundaries are breached?
What do I want from others in relationships?
What are some unhelpful beliefs that I hold about relationships? (Examples include “If I don’t have rigid boundaries, I will be hurt” or “If I say no, they will not like me and will think I am selfish”)
How do I like to treat others and how do I like to be treated?
What might it be like to assert my boundaries?
If you’re still feeling unsure about boundaries, please reach out to me to schedule a session where we can delve into more about boundaries!
