Perfectionism and Anxiety: Signs, Causes and ways to Cope
Perfectionism and anxiety are often a duo.
While perfectionism presents as rigidity and having extremely high standards, it is also about an attempt to control and avoid feelings of discomfort. Sounds a lot like anxiety, right? In this post, I will review perfectionism anxiety, how it shows up and steps to take to cope with perfectionism.
Anxiety is a set of both physiological and psychological symptoms including:
Racing heart
Sweaty palms
Tight chest
Shallow breathing
Nausea
Feeling worried, on edge or keyed up
Racing thoughts
Irritability
Avoidance
Perfectionism is frequently described as:
Wanting to do things “the right way”
Having high expectations for self and others
Being overly self-critical
Putting forth much energy to control situations
Fear of judgement and/or failure
Difference Between Healthy Striving and Perfectionism
It is important to note that there is a difference between healthy striving and having unrealistic high standards. Having goals and standards to achieve and grow is ok! However, in the pursuit of being perfect, oftentimes individuals feel stuck, exhausted and the motivation can feel all-consuming.
What Causes Perfectionism Anxiety?
There are many different hypotheses about what causes perfectionism anxiety. Our society creates a perfect storm for rewarding perfectionism. Within our highly individualistic society, we often equate doing poorly with “failure.” Another layer to this is that we often equate making a mistake or “failing” with who we are as people. So instead of “I made a mistake, I did something wrong,” it becomes “I am a mistake and a failure.”
This feeling of being a failure feels awful. Many perfectionists I work with strive to avoid these feelings at all costs. Oftentimes, this looks like setting the bar extraordinarily high so they don’t fail. By setting the bar high, sometimes so high that it is impossible to achieve those expectations, they fall short. Then, when they naturally fall short, they feel like a failure, thus creating a spiral and cycle of anxiety, shame, chasing perfectionism and not achieving said perfection.
Anxiety and Perfectionism in Adults
In several areas of life, the pressure to operate with perfect execution is significant, and this pursuit is rewarded in our society. Seeking perfection has helped many high achievers climb the top of the ladder at work, in school, sports, parenting, propelling the creative process, and other fields of life. This can lead perfectionists to hustle by chasing unrealistic standards to be perfect. For many perfectionists, they begin to realize that something is no longer working, they might become critical of their relationships, experience burnout at work and school or struggle to unwind. Ultimately, this way of living is unsustainable.
Signs of Perfectionism Anxiety
Fear of Failure. Not being the best is equated to being a failure, according to perfectionists. Sometimes this looks like an inability to acknowledge when you have succeeded at something and sometimes this looks like a complete lack of trying (because you can’t fail if you don’t try, right?) For a perfectionist, internalizing failures as a personal shortcoming becomes a reflection of their self-worth.
Focusing on Outcomes. Needle-like focus on a goal with intentional or unintentional disregard to potential consequences often shows up for perfectionists. By focusing solely on the finish line, it can become difficult to feel present and acknowledge growth and learning.
Noisy Inner Critic. Do you know the voice inside your head that is a bit of a jerk? Yep. That is your inner critic. When experiencing perfectionism, the inner critic often says things like “you aren’t doing enough,” “you could have done so much better,” or “you aren’t smart enough for this.” The inner critic takes up a large amount of internal energy and brain space.
Having Unrealistic Standards. Since perfectionists fear failure, they often check, double check or focus on trivial details as they complete tasks. Mistakes become “proof” that they “aren’t smart” or are “unworthy.”
Intense Drive to be Good at New Things. The inner critical voice of perfectionists often tells them that they should be naturally good at new things they try. Negative self-talk and assumptions that other people have it easier or are more skilled begin to creep in. Feelings of irritability, internal and external judgements are often made.
Wanting to do Things the “Right” Way. Perfectionists tend to add more work to their plate because they know they will complete the task to their own standards. This is often out of fear that a coworker, friend, partner, etc. will not have the same standards or outcomes that they do.
Ways to Cope with Perfectionism
Reframe Thoughts. Thought reframing is about changing negative thoughts to neutral or positive ones. Frequent thought patterns for perfectionists are black-and-white (all or nothing) and putting a lot of stock in what they “should” be doing. This type of thinking can sound like “If I don’t finish this assignment then I am stupid” and leaves little room for any sort of middle ground. By reframing thoughts, one can begin to embrace both/and.
Take the following as an example:
“I forgot to email my professor this morning. I’m so dumb” becomes “I forgot to email my professor last night; I am human and I will email them first thing when I get home.” Another thought reframe could be “I have done what I can with the skills I posses.”
Focus on the Ride. Perfectionists often race to the finish line without being present for the process. Mindfulness is a skill that one can develop to be in the present moment. In the practice of slowing down, a perfectionist begins to notice aspects of the process such as opportunities to grow and strengths.
Separate Outcomes from Who You are. What is the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is when you did something wrong; shame is when you feel like you are wrong and feel bad about yourself. Perfectionists frequently jump over guilt and straight to shame. Instead of the thought of “I made a mistake and I am a terrible person,” a gentler approach of “I made a mistake and that does not define who I am as a person” can be helpful. This allows space for separating achievements from who you are.
Begin Practicing Tolerating good enough. When is enough, enough? This question is difficult for a perfectionist to sit with and sort through. However, enoughness can help alleviate perfectionism anxiety. In practice this can look like striving for a percentage: “I’m about 80 percent finished with this task and that is good enough for me.”
Psychotherapy. Therapy can be an incredibly helpful tool for those who experience perfectionism and anxiety. Through Interventions such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy combined with a therapist who shares similar values, a perfectionist can begin to explore their patterns and learn how to cope in a way that feels helpful to them.
Human beings are messy and experiencing mistakes happens to all people. Beginning to acknowledge how anxiety and perfectionism shows up for you is the first step. If you’re needing a little extra support on your journey, finding a therapist can be a great start for your mental health.
