Finding Meaning: Identifying Your Values and Living with Intention
Life can feel like an endless checklist of things to accomplish and goals to achieve. Sometimes getting wrapped up in the checklist can cause us to lose sight of what is important and the reasons behind our actions. Day-to-day stressors, and the goals we set out to achieve, can overshadow our values and we can find ourselves feeling lost or unhappy. Allowing ourselves to take a step back and identify the why behind our actions provides space to live life with intention and bring greater meaning to life.
Living with intention begins with clarifying our values and creating goals that are aligned with our values.
Steven Hayes breaks values down into 5 key points:
Values are here and now; goals are in the future
Values never need to be justified
Values often need to be prioritized
Values are best held lightly
Values are freely chosen
Values are important as they allow us to appreciate the moments when we are behaving in accordance to them and finding joy, contentment, peace, etc. in life.
Identifying Values
As your understanding of values grows, you may begin to wonder where to start with values identification. Hearing the word “values” may even evoke some vague or abstract notions or even dread. To note, this feeling is a common experience and is ok! In my personal life, I remember similar feelings when I was first asked to reflect upon my own values.
5 Important Steps in the Process of Identifying your Values
Identifying key life domains. Often, it can be helpful to view values based on which life domain is involved. Your values will likely differ across these domains. Life domains that are important to most individuals include: physical health, family, relationships, work, education, personal growth, psychological wellbeing and play/recreation.
Determine the importance of and satisfaction with life domains. Next, it is helpful to get a sense of where you are at in terms if value alignment right now. This can help you figure out where to intervene and when.
To do this, first rate how important the life domain is to you overall on a scale of 1 to 10. The rankings are not ordinal and you can have multiple items at a 10.
Second, rate how consistently aligned your actions, behaviors and choices have been in that life domain over the last week.
This step can trip individuals up. It can be helpful to gently remind yourself that you are trying to get a sense of what you have been trying to do. If you’re noticing harsh self-judgements, it is ok to acknowledge this, pause and take a break.
Identify qualities of action within the domains. Then, we are looking at important qualities of action within those life domains. Remember that values describe how you want to act and behave in your life, how you want to interact with others, and the qualities you want to demonstrate in your life.
Some common values include acceptance (i.e. to accept myself as I am; to accept others as who they are), autonomy or freedom (i.e. to choose how I live my life, to live on my own terms), or flexibility (i.e. to accept and adapt to change).
There are several online resources to engage in with this part of the exercise. Here is a values sort exercise. Here is a life domain exercise.
Aligning goal-setting and committed action with values. After clarifying your values, the next step is to monitor how your actions or behaviors align with them. Helpful questions to ask yourself when monitoring include:
What are the most important valued domains and values in play right now?
What actions are consistent with those values (move me toward them) and which ones are inconsistent (move me away or block my progress)?
What is a specific, measurable articulable, relevant and time-based goal that I can set for action in this area?
What is a strategic action plan for this?
Take action. Here, you are setting strategic goals that are aligned with your values to increase values-based living.
What are Some Important Things to Remember About Values?
Values are flexible and context-driven.
Values may change over time, however, many will persist forever. In addition, throughout life, you may notice that some values feel more important than others. How you live and act in line with your values will likely differ depending on the context and situation.
Values are not the same as goals.
Values are different than goals in that values can never be fully “achieved". Goals are actionable items, or items that we can '“check off”, that help move us closer to our values. With goals, there is an end-point. It is not possible to achieve the value of “connection”, however, one can create goals to move closer to the value of connection.
When comparing the process to navigation:
Values are like points on a compass (e.g. West). Goals are the place you’re going (e.g. Denver)
One cannot get to Denver (goals) without first understanding which way is west (values clarification).
Let’s look at the life domain of parenting. Being a parent is a goal rather than a value. Once an individual has a child, they are a parent. However, if the parent wishes to have a caring, close, loving and supportive relationship, that is not a goal. It is a value. In order to behave in a manner that is supportive, close, loving and caring, day-to-day, moment-to-moment decisions (goals) need to be made that are consistent with your value.
While we may be achieving goals and finding success, this success may not always be congruent with what matters to us in the big picture. Thus, a disconnect between goals and values can impact our wellbeing and lead to mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.
Values are Freely Chosen
Values are not rules or beliefs about how we “should” act or what we “should” want. Instead, values are qualities of action that are freely chosen.
Oftentimes, individuals can become stuck in thought loops surrounding what they think they, or the people in their lives, could or should do.
Values clarification can be tricky because sometimes, our thoughts get in the way with all of the rules, stories, and judgements. Try to pause, notice, and acknowledge this with curious detachment while continuing with the exercise.
This process involves some openness: if we could remove all of the internal and external barriers, set aside what other people think, feel, or do, what kind of human would you want to be? How do you want to act and behave?
Values Relate to Our Behavior
It can be easy to base our decisions and actions off of what other people think, feel and how they will react or respond. However, values are our own, meaning they do not require other people to act in a certain way. They are not dependent upon how others respond to us.
For example, if your partner comes home from work slamming their belongings down on the table, you may choose to lean into values of kindness, patience, and compassion and give them space or support. If they end up snapping at you, it doesn’t affect that your action was in line with your values, and, your next action can be as well even if that is to set a limit.
Why Clarify my Values?
Clarifying your values is similar to orienting a compass to read a map; both help you get to where you’re going. Before embarking on a hike, it is helpful to figure out which way to go. In both a hiking journey and the journey of life, there will be roadblocks. An oriented compass (aka values) will support you in understanding the necessary actions to take in order to get to where you’re headed.
Finally, values clarification and committed action can help reduce emotional distress by interacting with the world in a manner that feels congruent to what is important to us.
If you’re interested in learning more about your values, psychotherapy can be a helpful starting point. Feel free to reach out via email to schedule a free phone consultation.
References:
Harris, R. (2009). ACT Made Simple: An Easy-To-Read Primer on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.Oakland, CA: New Harbinger.
Harris, R. (2008). The Happiness Trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Boston, MA: Trumpeter.
