Is Perfectionism Harming Your Relationships?
Perfectionism not only impacts people on an individual level, but it also can affect our relationships, too. The difficult thinking patterns, behaviors and habits that are associated with perfectionism can create tension and stress, harming relationships from within.
Does this Sound Familiar?
If your answer is “yes” to some or all of the questions below, chances are that perfectionism could be causing some issues within your relationship. In this blog, I will pose common patterns I see when working with clients who find that perfectionism is impacting their relationships. In addition, I will provide ways to assist you in working through these challenges.
Do you Want to be the Perfect Partner?
In previous blog posts, I have discussed how perfectionists tend to place extremely high expectations on themselves. From a relationship standpoint, this often looks like striving to meet their partner’s needs. Individuals who struggle with perfectionism oftentimes view themselves as worthy of love only if they are perfect. When things go wrong within a relationship, feelings of fear surrounding being left may surface.
Do you Struggle with Feeling Emotionally Unavailable?
Perfectionism is about control, therefore, many perfectionists are very good at being in control of their emotions. Showing emotions can feel scary and perfectionists find it difficult to open up with people in their lives. Avoiding vulnerability becomes a natural response that can limit emotional intimacy.
Is it Difficult for you to Remain Present and Enjoy the Moment?
Since perfectionists are typically hustling to reach their next goal, they may unintentionally leave little room for quality time with their partners. This can result in love taking a back seat to achieving, causing them to find difficulty in focusing on the present and prioritizing their relationships.
Do you Find yourself Feeling Easily Disappointed in your Partner?
Perfectionists do not enjoy mistakes and this includes mistakes in their relationships. Forgiving their partner may feel difficult if their partner fails to meet their expectations.
Do you View Conflict as Failure?
Many of the clients I work with often share that they view disagreements or conflict as failure. This view can lead perfectionists to work exceptionally hard to maintain positivity within the relationship/make the relationship work. Or, perfectionists can sometimes view a slight difference in opinion as a reason to question whether or not their partner is the right fit for them.
Are you Constantly Criticizing your Partner?
Whether overtly or covertly, perfectionists often have high expectations for their partners. In conjunction with a desire to be perfect, this can translate to unintentional judgements. While it is ok to want your partner to be the best versions of themselves, and perfectionists may view themselves as being helpful, their partner can end up feeling frequently criticized.
Not all Hope is Lost!
If you’re noticing that your perfectionistic tendencies are harming your relationship, don’t lose hope. Unhelpful thinking patterns can be challenged and new, helpful habits/behaviors can be created! Not only will you benefit from making changes, but your relationship will likely improve as well.
Here are a Few things to try
In therapy, we can work on increasing awareness of your perfectionism. Noticing negative thought patterns when they surface is the first step to changing them.
Challenge yourself to allow your partner to be imperfect. Beginning to practice acceptance of your partner’s humanness is an important step to decreasing criticism and judgements.
Prioritize quality time together. Relaxing is a difficult activity to engage in for perfectionists. As previously mentioned, chasing after goals and achievements is often prioritized. Beginning to carve out time for one another will aid in improved intimacy.
Practice lowering your expectations. While your needs do need to be met and allowing yourself to be treated poorly is never recommended, it is crucial to check in with yourself surrounding whether or not you’re setting unreasonable standards for your partner.
Seeking Psychotherapy
If you’re experiencing difficulty with perfectionism spilling into your relationship, psychotherapy can be a helpful tool to begin creating changes within yourself in order to experience an improved relationship dynamic. If you’re ready, feel free to reach out for a free 10-15 minute telephone consultation.
