Radical Acceptance
How does it Work?
*Sigh* “It is what it is.” Have you ever used this statement? If so, what allowed you to get there?
This can be such a polarizing statement, depending on who you ask. For some, that statement communicates giving up. Brushing up with it can feel as though you’re in agreement with whatever thing had happened without putting up a fight. For others, this statement can be an expression of exasperation, as well as acknowledgment of their inability to change the current reality.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is a distress tolerance skill that allows you to accept situations that are outside of your control. A main focus of radical acceptance is letting go of the battle against reality. It focuses on the idea that suffering comes from one’s attachment to pain rather than the pain itself. Detaching from the pain and accepting the facts of reality enables you to prevent pain from turning into suffering. Unfortunately, pain and suffering are a part of life. Try as you might, you often can’t change what has happened. However, you can change how you choose to view it.
What Radical Acceptance is NOT:
Radical acceptance is not approval. It does not mean ignoring your emotions, or giving up and becoming helpless. Experiencing thoughts of “this is unfair” or “why me?” is valid! However, continuing denying the facts of reality will likely lead you to becoming stuck in those thoughts while struggling to move forward. Fighting against reality is exhausting! By freeing up that energy from fighting what you can’t control and using it to focus on what you can control, you can effectively cope with the situation at hand and move away from suffering.
When to Use It:
Radical acceptance can be applied to a multitude of situations. In my work with clients, I’ve found this tool to be especially effective when dealing with a loss, such as the end of a relationship, an unexpected life change, or the loss of a loved one. Oftentimes when a negative event occurs, these emotions can feel extremely heavy. At times, you might try to deal with pain in other ways or refuse to accept what happened. You can engage with all the stages of grief, however, fully moving forward won’t happen until the last stage of acceptance is reached. Again, it’s important to acknowledge that acceptance does not mean that you agree with what has happened to you. Acceptance gives you the space to feel and understand those difficult emotions and focus on how to make meaning out of the current reality rather than trying to change a past that cannot be altered.
While this tool is useful and effective, there are situations where practicing radical acceptance is not helpful. If you’re in an abusive relationship, being disrespected or harassed, or avoiding situations due to lack of motivation, fear, anxiety, it is important to gently acknowledge this and take action to alter your situation rather than accept it.
What Does Lack of Acceptance Look Like?
Has there been a time when you were caught up in thought patterns of “Why did this happen to me? ”This shouldn’t be happening.” “This is unfair.” In those situations, what may have prevented you from accepting and moving forward in that moment? As mentioned earlier, acceptance is not agreement, but sometimes it can be difficult to see it that way. Understandably so, in those moments you might want justice, revenge, or an answer, and by accepting and moving forward, it can feel as if you’re saying “that’s OK”, or “agreeing with” something that really isn’t. Sometimes acceptance can be challenging because it opens up opportunity to face difficult emotions. Acceptance means you are acknowledging that the situation cannot change and there is pain attached to a definitive end. Nobody wants to experience pain, but when you choose not to accept a situation out of avoiding specific emotions, you are numbing a lot more than pain. The body cannot selectively numb any emotions, so if you are numbing pain, you’re also numbing joy and happiness. This avoidance can keep you in the cycle of lack of acceptance. You might find yourself continuously blaming yourself for the bad that happens in your life, you might feel stuck and powerless, or you might feel angry at the world for things that are completely outside of your control. In relationships, you might constantly push others in hopes of changing them and feel disappointed by the choices they make, and you might have a hard time moving past negative incidents, leading to grudges and feelings of resentment.
Practicing Radical Acceptance:
In no way is this an easy skill, but just like learning anything new, radical acceptance takes patience and practice. The founder of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), Marsha Linehan, developed 10 steps for practicing radical acceptance.
Notice when you are struggling to accept something.
Remind yourself that in this moment, reality cannot be changed.
Remind yourself that there are causes for the current reality that are outside of your control.
Practice accepting with your whole being. Utilize relaxation techniques, mindfulness, journaling, and self-reflection.
Think about all the behaviors you would engage in if you did accept the current reality and engage in them as if you have.
Imagine what things would be like if you accepted the situation.
Attend to your bodily sensations as you think about what you need to accept. How are emotions resonating in your body? Is there any tightness or pain?
Allow yourself to feel all of your emotions, such as disappointment or grief.
Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain.
Create a pros and cons list if you find yourself resisting acceptance.
Remember:
You cannot change the things that have happened in the past.
You can get through difficult emotions.
This feeling is painful, but you will make it through, and this pain will fade.
When you fight against negative emotions, you only make them stronger.
Radical acceptance is just one of many distress tolerance skills that can help you manage your emotions and work toward positive change. If you’re wanting to open the door to begin practicing radical acceptance, please contact us today.
