Expectations vs Standards

Have you felt disheartened in dating or disappointed while fostering a relationship? Whether you’re currently in a committed relationship or engaging in modern dating, differentiating between expectations and standards can save everyone involved time and energy.

The difference: expectations are what we impose on others, while standards are what we hold for ourselves.

Oftentimes, standards and expectations get confused with one another. They have distinct meanings and it can be helpful to understand each concept in order to have healthy relationships with others and ourselves.

Standards

Standards are not personal, as in, they don’t change from person to person or relationship to relationship. They have less to do with the other person and more to do with you and your wants and needs.

In relationships, our standards are the qualities, behaviors, and traits that a person values and needs from their partner. One may have standards for honesty, trust, loyalty, or empathy, for instance. Without these traits and qualities from their partner, the relationship may not have the foundational values needed to thrive. 

Expectations

Expectations are beliefs and assumptions about what will happen in the future or what one partner wants the other to do or “be like.” When we have expectations for someone else, we give our power to an external source. Oftentimes, expectations are not clearly communicated. As a result, they tend to lead to major disappointment for you and the other person. Example: you expect your partner to know just how important spending Sunday mornings with you is and will have read your mind to know that you want to share that morning cup of coffee every single Sunday. Since expectations can vary from person to person due to previous life experiences, cultural norms, or personal desires, it’s important to make sure we are not imposing them implicitly rather expressing them explicitly. 

While standards and expectations can be different, they can also be interrelated. For instance, having high standards for communication may lead to an expectation that your partner will communicate effectively on a regular basis. When expectations are unmet, disappointment, frustration and conflict in a relationship can arise - especially if they go against one partner's standards or values. Therefore, understanding and communicating your standards and expectations openly is important. In doing so, there will be more clarity on your non-negotiables (standards and the things that may be able to be compromised (expectations.)

We are all responsible for our own needs and wants. A helpful question to ask yourself the next time you experience a situation that could lead to frustration or disappointment is: “Is this a standard or an expectation?”

Getting clear on our standards and learning to manage our expectations is no easy feat! Please feel free to reach out and schedule a free consultation today!