Understanding Attachment Styles in Relationships

Written By Courtney Vogt

If you type “attachment style” into your search engine right now you’d probably find the topic trending on social media, articles related to mental health and relationships, and even quizzes claiming they could tell you your attachment style with five short questions. So, what exactly does this buzzword mean and where does it come from?

Attachment Theory and Attachment Style

Attachment theory itself focuses on the relationships and bonds between people, and attachment style refers to the expectations people develop about relationships with others. From a developmental perspective, it is believed that our perceptions of our adult relationships are derived from our relationship with our primary caregivers. That is, if our parents were sensitive and responsive and our needs were consistently met, then we would develop a secure attachment style in our relationships later in life. On the other hand, if our caregivers were distant, rigid, and inconsistent with responding to our needs, we would likely develop an insecure attachment style later in life. Modern-day research has shown that while this still plays a role in understanding our attachment styles, we cannot say that attachment style originates from a single source. There are several factors that go into determining and understanding our attachment styles including genetics, early experiences, and romantic experiences and relationships throughout life. 


How therapy can help with attachment issues:

Working with a therapist can help you address and reflect on lingering issues from childhood or adulthood that might be impacting your ability to form secure and meaningful relationships. Therapy can help you develop a sense of security as an individual that can be carried over into your relationships with others. Your therapist can act as that secure base, listening attentively and non-judgmentally as you take a deep dive into this journey of your past and self-exploration.

A benefit of this work can be focusing on understanding and rebuilding your trust in others and the world around you, as well as learning techniques to understand how to set clear boundaries with yourself and others. Working with your therapist, you can learn to “re-parent” yourself with love and compassion, and that can help support you in replacing fearful thoughts associated with abandonment, betrayal and being hurt by others.

Attachment theory recognizes four different types of attachment:

anxious, avoidant, fearful-avoidant, and secure. 

1) The Anxious Attachment Style:

The anxious attachment style is one of the three types of insecure attachment. This style emphasizes the preoccupation with relationships and the fear of your partner’s lack of ability to love you back. People with this attachment style tend to experience difficulty trusting others, have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others, find themselves needing constant support from others, and struggle with being alone. These individuals might also crave intimacy, feel that they are not good enough for their partner, struggle with setting boundaries, feel pulled to fix other people’s issues instead of focusing on their own, and find themselves overthinking and overanalyzing trivial things. Some common anxious thoughts associated with Anxious Attachment (Levine & Keller, 2011):

  • “I know they are going to leave me.”

  • “I’ll never find anyone else.”

  • “I knew it was too good to last.”

  • “I need to talk/see them right now.”

Here are some common anxious emotions:

  • Sad

  • Angry

  • Fearful

  • Resentful

  • Hopeless

  • Rejected

  • Uncertain

Here are some common anxious actions:

  • Act out

  • Attempt to re-establish contact at any cost

  • Pick a fight

  • Threaten to leave

  • Act in a manner that does not align with your values

Tips for calming the anxious attachment:

  • Pay attention to how you feel in the moment and acknowledge thoughts that arise

  • Take a step back and return to the situation to allow for time to think about a helpful way to respond

  • Practice self-care

  • Challenge your thoughts

  • Allow yourself to reparent your inner child

  • Regulate your nervous system

  • Practice mindful communication

  • Externalize your feelings

  • Therapy 

2) The Avoidant Attachment Style:

Individuals with this attachment style may have a difficult time with intimacy and closeness as they equate it to a loss of independence. They tend to have high self-esteem, are very sociable, and are very independent. When in relationships, these individuals might take precautions to prevent closeness and intimacy from entering the relationship. As soon as things start to get serious, they tend to close themselves off. They might have learned early on in life that they cannot rely on others to meet their needs and to stop expecting it. These people might appear strong and confident but may struggle with developing deep and meaningful relationships.

Common avoidant thoughts (Levine & Keller, 2011):

  • “I knew they were not right for me.”

  • “I feel suffocated.”

  • “I knew I was not meant for a close relationship.”

Common avoidant emotions:

  • Withdrawn

  • Tense 

  • Resentful

  • Emptiness

  • Aloof

Here are some common avoidant actions:

  • Get up and leave

  • Belittle

  • Criticize

  • Withdraw mentally or physically

  • Ignore your partner

Tips for self-regulating with an avoidant attachment:

  • Take a step back and return to the situation to allow for time to think about a healthier way to respond

  • Learn to recognize your own needs in the relationship

  • Challenge your inner critic

  • Therapy 

3) The Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style:

People with this attachment style desire to protect themselves from rejection. It is a combination of the anxious and avoidant styles where individuals seek closeness but tend to withdraw in relationships. At the core, they believe they are unlovable and do not trust others to meet their needs or support and accept them. They fear that others will reject them eventually, so they withdraw to protect themselves. This can cause significant confusion in relationships because while they truly desire intimacy, acceptance, and reassurance from others, they find themselves retreating when feeling vulnerable. These individuals tend to struggle with thoughts and emotions from both anxious and avoidant styles.

Common fearful-avoidant thoughts:

  • “I can’t connect with them but I want to.”

  • “This feels like it’s too much.”

Common fearful-avoidant emotions:

  • Withdrawn

  • Tense

  • Hypervigilant

  • Dissociated

  • Conflicted

Tips for coping with a fearful-avoidant attachment style:

  • Self-compassion

  • Challenge negative thoughts

  • Practice mindfulness and grounding

  • Understand, set and communicate boundaries

  • Seek therapy 

4) The Secure Attachment Style:

If we focus on the connection between attachment and our connection with our parents, those with a secure attachment style have an expectation that their partners will be loving and respond to their needs. With this, there is no worry that they will lose the love of their partner, are effectively able to communicate and respond to their partner’s needs while also feeling comfortable with intimacy and closeness. People with a secure attachment tend to have a positive view of themselves and others, do not act defensively when faced with conflict, and can effectively regulate their emotions. 

The book Attached by Dr. Amir Levine and Rachel Heller provides a deep dive into attachment styles and tips for creating stronger relationships. They provide helpful exercises based on five secure principles for resolving relationship conflict:

  • Show basic concern for the other person’s well-being.

  • Maintain focus on the problem at hand.

  • Refrain from generalizing the conflict.

  • Be willing to engage.

  • Effectively communicate feelings and needs.

When working on communicating effectively with your partner, try asking yourself these questions (Levine & Heller, 2011):

  • Why do I feel uneasy or insecure in this relationship?

  • What specific actions by my partner make me feel this way?

  • What specific actions by my partner would make me feel more secure and loved?

  • What do I feel comfortable bringing up and discussing?

Taking time to understand your attachment style can help provide more insight into yourself and your relationships. If you’re thinking about starting this journey, please feel free to reach out to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.

Courtney Vogt
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Expectations vs Standards